Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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