in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
