i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
