He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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