Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
