Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
