filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
