I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize