I hate your face
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
