he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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