i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
