If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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