Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
