It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
