I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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