God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
