Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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