Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
two words...techno handjob
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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