I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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