My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
love makes seman taste better
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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