I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
