Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
