Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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