if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
