Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just tell him i said nine months
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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