no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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