I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
