I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
