If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
