Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
