Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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