For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize