Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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