M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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