she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
