Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
is that a dick in a sweater?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
