Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize