butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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