Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
