Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
