I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
