If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
