I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Will you blow on my dice?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We don't watch enough power rangers
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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