so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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