i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
