i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize