I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
