yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
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