seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Randomize
