IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
be right there i have to get my cape
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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