I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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