By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
