Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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