The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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