the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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