So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
