Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
She said her name was "party"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize