My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
