Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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