why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
