Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize