We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why are your pants in the freezer?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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